The Weight Of It All (Part 3)

If you’ve made it this far, you know the exact reason for that selfie taken in the bathroom mirror.

*If you don’t know the meaning, take a look at Part 1 & Part 2 by clicking on the requisite titles. As for the rest of you, I’ll pick up where I left off in the last part.*

I mentally visualized myself writing on a white sheet of paper that to be hungry was to be happy. I “wrote” that down thousands of times in the pages of every journal inside my mind. (This is the essence of The White Paper.) I linked being hungry with being happy. When I felt hungry, I was proud, because instead of stuffing my face as I used to, I associated the pain of hunger with my stomach getting flatter. Even though my stomach probably didn’t get any flatter during these times, I was teaching myself control over my appetite–something I hadn’t previously employed in any capacity.

Now, I could stand to be hungry, and when I was, instead of reaching for empty calories, I reached for my “love handles.” Every time I did that, I reinforced to myself why I was doing what I was doing.

There is more to live than living to eat your favorite foods.

Reaching for my “love handles” on the sides of my torso–this was my trigger. I was re-wiring my system to adapt to this healthier way of living. My using my love handles trigger, I was able to overcome any longing cravings I had for sugary foods in particular. This was proof that I’d changed/raised my standards to the point where I absolutely was not going to accept anything less than results. It was not enough for me to coax physical change–I wanted the results to be radical, because that would also be commensurate with feeling much better.

I was after a “feeling.” I wanted to feel good about myself, and as my weight dropped, my confidence rose.

I drew another link that would make me feel better about myself and about life, more than any slice of pizza or soft drink ever could.

Another change was taking place. What began in the drive-thru permeated to any home cooking I or my mother did. Here’s what I mean: I dropped beef from my fast food diet altogether, but I still ate it when mom cooked it. Whether it was steak, beef stew or meatloaf or homemade cheeseburgers–I still consumed beef, but only at home. In prior years, my mother had warmed me against eating too much red meat. I’m 36 years old right now. These changes in my beef consumption started when I was 17 ( just to give you a perspective on how long ago this started). I will never forget how happy she was when I made those changes at the drive-thru.

Something happened overnight seemingly. My consumption of them as a main course in a meal began to decrease for reasons I still do not entirely understand, but I think I might have an idea why. Sometimes I think that because I cut out foods like fries and soft drinks that perhaps, I had less cravings for burgers or steak (which is possible). Before dropping beef altogether, when I ate a burger at home, I would eat just the burger (without the bread), whereas before, I would have a full on cheeseburger with all the fixings, a plate of fries, and a soda to go with it. It was the same way when I ate steak. I craved red meat less and less when I stopped eating fries and drinking soda. Burgers and steak wasn’t the same without them. In the present day, I haven’t had red meat in my system for many years.

Out of all my dietary changes, dropping sugar was by far the most difficult for me to let go. That was my food-based addiction, because I loved snacking on sugar laden desserts (and still do!). Snacking does more to ruin waistlines than anything else in the kitchen pantry. Over the course of much trial and error, I have found that by keeping snacking to a minimum, I have eliminated unwanted weight gain. I stuck to chicken and fish and turkey as my primary protein sources because I noticed how lean they were compared to beef and pork–two meat sources I enjoyed for a long time yet no longer consume. Unrelated to my dietary changes I made as a teen, I stopped eating pork before I was 8 years old.

One reason I could make these changes stick was because my mental self-confidence continued to build on itself. My mind was the driver behind all this. New levels of trust were being established because I could see my body changing before my eyes. Physically, I just felt so much better. I was not constantly getting sick anymore. (If you’re tired of getting sick, click here.) Weight related aches and pains in my knees and ankles disappeared. I say all this to express: When you can make a definitive life improving change in an instant, nothing leaves you feeling more empowered. You’ll do whatever is necessary to push yourself through the barriers life sticks in your path. I decided to take control of my body the moment I stepped on grandma’s scale that summer day. A wave had been building, because I was tired of living my life in a defeated state of mind. I allowed life to dump my body in a proverbial food ditch and instead of eating my way out as I had for years, I decided to walk away from the table. Some food is just not worth eating. I want this experience to demonstrate that when you make a decision, and stick by it, there’s literally nothing you can’t do. With whatever it is, so long as you have access to the requisite resources, when you put your heart and soul into it, you absolutely can get it done.

By the time my senior year began, I was noticeably thinner. Nothing made me feel better than seeing and receiving the approval of others in my class (More on this further down). We all want to be affirmed by our peers. Having gone 12 weeks without seeing any of them, it was a joy to reunite with friends who couldn’t help but notice the changes. The warm approbation and positive energy I felt from them motivated me further. This marked the start of a new change in my life–people complementing me on my slender appearance as opposed to the rather pointed criticisms of my rotundness I’d grown weary of hearing.

I am not certain of how many pounds I lost by the time classes began as I did not have a scale at home. But my results marked the start of what I have been doing ever since. I go by the mirror, and, by how my clothes fit. The best indicator of your weight loss (better than the scale even) is the fit of your clothes to your body. Even to this day, I do not own a scale, because again, the fit and the mirror are my guide. The mirror voices its’ opinion before the audience of my eyes, with the requisite feedback making its’ way to my mind. Depending on how the eyes interpret what the mirror reveals to them, they determines any changes I make to my diet or exercise program. Going back to my senior year, I did not know all these nuances. All I knew was it felt awesomely good to receive the goodwill of my fellow classmates. I fed from the positivity and continued with my drastically healthier way of eating.

My first and only successful weight loss in life was possible because of the constant programming I implemented in my head. If I could see it in my mind, I could have it in reality. As school approached, I was ready to become more active physically. A very big deal to me loomed: Senior class picture day. I started with the tried and true: pushups and sit-ups. We’ve all seen the “Rocky” movies or classics such as Bruce Lee’s “Enter the Dragon.” If you’re like most, watching those will leave you feeling super motivated about what is possible. Even an exercise neophyte such as I knew how effective those two movements were, and best of all, no equipment was required. This is something I could do at home anytime. Instead of aiming for a specific number or repetitions, I aimed for doing one set to failure of each exercise no more than three times a day. Well… that was the “plan” anyway. That’s not how it happened though. Instead, I would do as many as I could in a day. I cannot recall how many of each I used to do, but it was a lot by my formerly sedentary standards.

I performed hundreds of each movement per day. Waking up the next morning sore in places I didn’t know existed only made me want to do more. I could sense and feel the tangible changes. My arms were less “saggy” in appearance, and my lower tummy area where the loose skin was concentrated had firmed itself up. When it is so real that you can reach out and touch it and see the results of the work you are putting in, naturally, you will keep going. The gym bug was being planted years before I stepped inside of one.

I didn’t turn into a bodybuilder overnight performing these simple exercises, but by the time school opened for picture day, my mother purchased me another polo shirt to wear for some of my photos because I went down a size! Goodness! Up to that point, I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a sense of accomplishment and excitement about anything I’d achieved previously. I felt like I won the lottery. The shadow of deep depression that I was mired in for years was finally beginning to lift. This is another side-effect of exercising. You won’t even know how much better you’ll feel about life until you change your eating habits and implement exercise into your routine. I never did see a professional, but the therapy I was performing on myself was exactly what I needed. Little did I know, I was planting the seedlings to what would become The Iron Therapy.

No one from school had seen me over the summer so the occasion known as picture day felt extra special, because I was “revealing” the new and improved version–the updated Daniel. Before I took my first picture, several classmates commented on the weight I had lost. One of them said, “Man! You got slim!” Even though I was nowhere near slim at that point, that didn’t even matter. I cannot overstate what this did for my confidence which was nonexistent. I truly believed that other’s had a very low opinion of me and that I had a lot of work to do shore that up. So when I received all this positive feedback from my peers, I was positively overjoyed, because it was confirmed I was on to something. Words cannot describe the feeling of joy everlasting that submerged my mind into a bottomless sea of vigorous motivation. Not too long ago I would’ve tumbled inside a mix of depression and anxiety over having my picture taken ( trademark double-chin on full display). Not on that day though! I went on to have the biggest million dollar smile in all my shots, along with yet another boost to my confidence right before school opened up.

As the rest of 2001 went by, I continued to lose more and more weight and the feeling of achievement that came with it is indescribable. I remember having to tighten my belt more and more with my jeans, until I had to buy a smaller belt! I was finally able to begin saying goodbye to my baggy jeans that I thought were a clever way of hiding my weight, when instead, they made me appear even bigger than I already was. I remember my mother sharing in my happiness. She was so happy to see me embrace something that made me feel better about life. Even my feet began to shrink. Before my weight loss, I never realized I had fat feet. I really thought my feet were large. Over time, my shoes began to feel roomier than I was used to. By the time 2002 came around, I had to get new shoes! I went from wearing size 12 shoes to 10 1/2 because my feet did not expand like they used to when I put weight on them. I was dieting off the excess body fat that had covered them. As my feet shrank, I noticed less and less pain in my feet and ankles, and in particular, my knees. It wasn’t until my weight loss before I realized how much stress I was putting my joints under by being as heavy as I was.

So many good things were happening to me. I would soon be done with grade school and reach the ripe age of 18–that was a milestone. With my newfound confidence in myself, I was greatly anticipating looking the very best I have ever looked in my life at the age I always looked forward to reaching. There’s nothing in the world that compares to being 18. It’s a landmark time in a young person’s life because opportunity awaits upon graduation. I owe the kick start to my improved mental health to the results I was producing. As all of this was occurring, another change was afoot. A massive one. It was time to say goodbye to everything I knew, and the weight of it all.

My mother, brother, and I, would go on to leave Durham, North Carolina, and move to Las Vegas, Nevada in January 2002, in the middle of my senior year of high school. To say that I needed a change in venue is a prolific understatement. With my brother away at college, my mother did not start talking about moving to a new city until 2001–the year I began my senior year. My mother felt the time was right for her to start thinking of what was best for her future. The main reason she stayed in Durham to raise us is so that we would live close by our dad. She never wanted us to be separated from him my an unreasonable distance. She sacrificed herself and her happiness, and stayed in Durham, refusing to uproot my brother and I until we were men. Now that her two sons were adults, she was ready to branch out and live elsewhere. And rightfully so. Talk about bearing the weight of it all–I cannot imagine the emotional turmoil she was put through, living and working in a town where all her pain in life occurred. She wanted a new beginning and I readily endorsed it. My brother and I were onboard 100%. Wherever she decided to move to, we would be there with her and offer all our support. There was nothing to discuss. That choice was automatic.

To this day, I don’t know what made her think of Las Vegas, Nevada. Despite never having visited there and us having no family or friends there to speak of, she was unperturbed. That said, Las Vegas, was not her first choice. Being thousands of miles away from family was not ideal. But she was adventurous and fearless. She did what only a strong, determined single woman having successfully raised two boys into men could have done–she decided to move 2000 miles away from it ALL. When my dad walked away, it was a ripple effect throughout both sides of my family. The chasms still exist to this day. Despite these vast valleys having been narrowed significantly, one still requires a plane ticket to bridge the divides that remain. But my mother was left with the feeling that there was nothing she couldn’t do. She was determined, and so were her sons.

During my Christmas break from school in December 2001, I flew out with mom to visit Vegas. While on the plane, the sense of excitement coursing through my brain was epic! This was a feeling that only a free man could have. A man that felt like he was finally scratching the surface of true joy in his life. When she booked the trip, she stared at the bewildering list of hotels that made up the strip, not even knowing which one to pick. We stayed in the Circus Circus hotel for no apparent reason other than she liked the name. For my part I didn’t care where we stayed. The best thing about the Circus Circus was the absolutely incredible steak I had at their restaurant “The SteakHouse.” I stopped eating steaks altogether shortly after that time, but the steak I had there goes down as the finest I ever had.

I kept having to pinch myself. Was this really happening? It was Christmas break and it was Las Vegas! Such a far-reaching impression was made, that in January 2002, just after the new year celebrations, she hired a team of movers to pack a truck, and we made the drive straight across the country on I-40 West until we got to Kingman, AZ–about an hour and a half outside of Vegas. While on the road, I had never known anticipation like what I was experiencing. I was so amped up, I voluntarily did most of the driving in the family car while a cousin of my mother’s drove the moving truck. I gained a great deal of driving experience on that journey. With each mile added to the odometer I felt myself arriving closer and closer to a new beginning.

For my part, only a very small circle of my friends knew I was moving. There were no tear jerker goodbyes. No, “Hey! Let’s keep in touch!” Deep emotional connections with others didn’t yet exist in my psyche because I was very much fragmented. After I left, I didn’t call or email or write letters to any of my old classmates.

I didn’t maintain friendships at all because I didn’t know how.

Being the man I am today, that pains me. I see now how far gone I was. I was so traumatized by my dad walking away that I didn’t know how to deal with people. During that time, I was still fighting to keep my sanity. Looking back, I can see how broken up I was. I do not remember if it was my brother or I who made the call but one of us told him over the phone we were leaving, and not, coming back. He came over that night and I told him goodbye. I was “glazed” over.

I felt sad, but only because I had been sad at having been so sad for so long. At the time, I didn’t have a real connection with dad. Years would pass before I could unpack my jungle of thoughts. I know how heartbroken I was by feeling like I was an unwanted burden who had to atone even for those sins not yet committed. I even felt like I was not worthy of friends. I would keep trying to improve myself. Reinvent myself. Make myself worthy of the time and attention of others. Leaving Durham for Las Vegas helped me to grapple through these feelings and eventually I was able to overcome that deficit. I would struggle in relationships of all kinds, going through terrible growing pains in the coming years. I am so happy to state that in the present day I talk to dad over the phone almost every day. Things between us are vastly improved from that cool January night in 2002.

There was a massive drop in my frequency of negative thoughts in direct proportion to the inches that left my waistline and in knowing I was in a new place with new opportunities. There was less background noise in my head and heart. Far less cross-talk. Clouds gave way to more sunbeams. Literally. Living in a place that’s almost always sunny will do that for you. Having been blessed with a clean sheet of white paper, I could design my life precisely the way I wanted. Without even thinking about it, I think that is something that the three of us engaged in once we arrived in Vegas. All the pain and anger and sadness we suffered was now 2000 miles away in the past. That was a tremendous boon for me psychologically.

After moving, I no longer had a reason to be depressed. Why bring all that baggage? I was in a new place where no bad memories existed. While not defeated completely, the strangle hold depression held on me was fast losing its’ grip as I could not be held down like I once was. Whenever it revealed its’ demented presence I would banish it at my leisure by merely going outside and taking in my new surroundings. The only weight heavier than the physical weight I had been carrying is the emotional weight I was toiling with. It too, would be dieted off and give way to new muscle both physical and mental.

My aversion to beef ascended in altitude when I turned 19. By this point, I was far slimmer than I had been at any time in grade school. The year was 2003, and I looked drastically different physically. I was skinny now. The only evidence that remained of my struggle with my weight was the hanging skin from my arms and the stretch marks that covered my lower midsection around the belly button. This was all relatively minor as I stopped myself from getting so heavy that I would have to deal with copious amounts of hanging skin that would require surgery to repair. At that time, my only red meat item was the occasional hamburger. I had long since dropped steak and meat loaf and roast beef. I started paying attention to things like reading about my colon health and my digestive tract and decided that I did not need to eat too much food that is hard to digest. I just fixed it in my mind that my health was more important than taste. I transitioned.

I went from being a young man that just wanted to lose weight to one that was looking to improve their health further. Before I turned 20, I dropped beef completely. My digestive health improved so dramatically I’ve never gone back to beef. I changed my thinking to the point where by the time I dropped red meat, it was very easy to do so. I didn’t suffer from withdrawals. I felt wonderful and in total control of my health for the first time in my life. Having come this far, I could not help but wonder that perhaps I could go a little bit further. I hit my goal of being skinny and feeling much healthier than I’d ever been. Still though, I could do even more. Another life change was ahead. This is something that would change my life and imbue me with the healthy lifestyle for the rest of my life. At this point, I had not yet discovered the gym, but I was soon about to.

*Continue here to “The Iron Therapy“ where my journey continues.*

–Daniel Cousin

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