In my last post which you can find here, I talked about my car accident. If you have not already, read over that one before proceeding further, as it will give full context to what I am about to share with you today.
What I want to share is something that has happened to me several times over the coming days since the accident, gradually building up in its intensity. As you know, I suffered my accident during a heavy thunderstorm while driving to work. Here in eastern North Carolina, a heavy downpour is nothing to fret about. During the summer months, these weather conditions are common, given the high humidity and blazing heat emitted by the endless gaze of the sun.
As a North Carolinian, I get plenty of practice to drive in heavy rain throughout the course of the year. Up to the day of my accident, I treated driving in the rain as I always have. I do the common things such as lower my speed, drive with extra caution, and I keep a firmer grip on the wheel, paying special attention to any possible hydroplaning. When or if that occurs, I immediately let up off the gas until my tires regain traction, and I move on. The day of my accident I did nothing different.
Since then, things have changed for me. Before I get into the anxiety attack I suffered, let me just mention that I pay far more attention to my tires now. Before heading out, tread depth and air pressures are something I have my eyes on from now on. You do not realize how important your tires are until you need them the most.
The anxiety attack I suffered, happened under weather and driving conditions identical to the day of my accident. The only difference, (besides not having another accident), is that I was driving my brother’s car. Leading up to this particular day, there were several other occasions, since my accident, where I was driving in the rain, albeit under less severe conditions. Still though, I could notice a difference in my mind and therefore a shift in my body. Over the coming days leading up to this big anxiety attack, I started to tense up whenever I had to drive to work–especially in the rain. I found myself feeling more and more agitated. The dead giveaway were the reoccurring headaches I was getting.
The “just do it” part of me went on to dismiss these troubles and just power through it. I found myself attempting to forget that I was even feeling this way about driving. I really thought that it would just magically disappear. Failing to give this issue the attention it deserved, it was allowed to grow and fester until I was forced to confront it. Until then, I just ignored it. You know the old expression, “time heals all wounds.” This is the approach I adopted, not knowing the storm that was already brewing inside my own mind.
Never in my life have I come closer to pulling over on the side of the road. When I left the house at 3:45pm, there were dark clouds all around–a typical September day in eastern North Carolina. The rain was not yet falling, so I was hoping I could get to work before it started. Getting on the highway, it was not long before conditions deteriorated. Deep puddles of water were pooling alongside the shoulders of the road. At this point I was not real concerned because I was driving my brother’s bigger and heavier sedan, as opposed to the light two-door coupe I wrecked. Behind the wheel under these conditions, psychologically at least, I felt more planted on the road (or at least I thought I did).
Approaching the scene of my accident, I tensed up. I felt my heartrate spike. My grip on the wheel became firmer as my palms began to perspire. I turned the radio off and listened to the tires on the road as I thought that would increase my concentration. As the rain pounded away on the windshield, I kept my ears on the lookout for any possible slippage. My fingertips felt wired to the steering wheel–looking out for any and everything the road was communicating back. In several spots I felt a loss of traction and did what I always do–I let off the gas until the tires “hooked up” with the road surface again. Noticing the traction and stability control indicators flash intermittently, it was apparent that conditions were less than optimal but I still had control….
Until, I didn’t….
Seemingly in a flash, my mind began to breakdown. At this point, I am still driving and several miles up from where I had my accident. As I got closer to reaching my destination the sky became darker and the skies really began to open up. The rain got louder and heavier. The lightning exploded like an ordinance of air bombs rattling the windows of my mind if not the car. Every slip or loss of traction I heard was forcing me to rethink whether or not I should continue. I thought to myself “Why not just call in?” In short, I panicked.
I have never pulled over off to the side of the road in my life. Even in the most untenable conditions such as snow, sleet, or ice, I have always gone on my way even if that means crawling along at 10 mph. Just the fact I was contemplating doing this told me I was in the midst of deep panic. All the other drivers on the road were passing by me like I was standing still. As bad as the storm was, inside my mind, I made it so much worse. Using the powers of imagery, I had “blown up” the thunderstorm and moved it inside my own head as a category 3 hurricane.
I knew I was experiencing fear and I knew I was the cause of it. I was so afraid of hydroplaning and wrecking out. I was fixated on the worst case scenario. It never occurred to me that I would make it to work safely. As this was going on, all my mind could play back to me were images of disaster. I saw myself rolled over on the side of the road. I saw myself barely conscious or worse. These negative images kept repeating themselves until they were all I saw. I needed a Control-Alt-Delete for my own mind, because I was overcome with chaos. These negative processes that my mind was bringing forth are thoughts that I never normally think or imagine. And to have all this negativity accompanied by such paralyzing fear–this was my first ever full-blown anxiety attack.
The key to defeating this was I knew this was an anxiety attack.
An anxiety attack… you don’t know what it is until it punches you in the face. Being that I knew what it was, through my learning, I knew my mind had a fix for it. But I had to go find it. I tried as best I could to think about all my learning. All my processes. All my procedures. Many of which I have, and will continue, to post on here. So far, nothing seemed to be working, because the storm ongoing inside my mind was bigger than the solutions I was coming up with.
This is how I knew I was fighting my own mind.
As I am driving and panicking, I valiantly searched for relief until it came to me in the form of a room full of mirrors. Despite the heavy rain continuing to fall, out of nowhere, my mind found itself in a room filled with mirrors. Each one reflected the worst case scenario I stated earlier–my car overturned on the side of the road. It was then that I knew what I needed to do. I needed to break the image. I needed to start with the mirror closest to me and shatter it immediately.
These powerful projections needed to be shattered to pieces. I pictured myself in jeans and a t-shirt with my work boots on firmly grasping a sledgehammer. There were dozens of these mirrors looming together in my mind. I walked up to the one closest to me and with all my might swung that hammer as hard as I could, until that first one shattered into a thousand pieces. Then I did it to another. And another. And another. I swung that hammer until the room was covered in glass shards. I went from dozens of images of my car turned over on the side of the road to broken glass everywhere.
To regain control of your mind and therefore yourself, you have to be in control of the images you broadcast to yourself.
As I was doing this, I quickly regained control. The anxiety was replaced by control. The fear, by confidence. Behind each one of those scary mirrors was the image of a sunny near cloudless blue sky. The mind has these special gifts embedded in it. As I have stated in previous posts, the mind is infinitely more mysterious than anything we have ever known. It truly is the last great undiscovered universe. I do not know of anything that can self-heal/self-repair itself as quickly and efficiently as the mind. This gift that we are all born with knows the answer to every question and the cure for every ailment. Why is this the case? No one knows. Hence, why it is so mysterious. I often refer to it as: the computer of the flesh.
Outside, the rain never let up. But I kept driving and I arrived at work on time and ready to go. Just like that, the anxiety was gone and it has not been back since. In subsequent days under the same conditions the anxiety has not returned, because I broke the image. When your enemy is your mind, you have a fight on your hands indeed. What I have shared today is but one example of that.
In upcoming posts this conversation will undoubtedly continue. I will continue to share every strategy and tip I have learned, developed, and used, over the years. We can all become better at managing this power we have been born with. You must conquer yourself.
In the meantime, if you “see” something in your mind that you do not like, do not be afraid to break that image. The effectiveness of this cannot be overstated. My thoughts went from spinning out of control to flying arrow straight in turbulent free conditions in a matter of seconds.
Take control! Shatter those negative images. You cannot allow them to dominate you. If you do not currently master your mind, I will make you a promise: I will do everything I can to write whatever is necessary, until you are able to do just that.
Godspeed to mastering your mind.
–Daniel Cousin
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